Last post we discussed the importance of balance in our daily lives, and how to begin the process of achieving or maintaining that balance. I associate balance with inner peace, and inner peace with a deep sense of content and appreciation of the little joys of life we experience when we pay attention. Here are a few more ways to feel more balanced.

• Being engaged and present can be effective even in day-to-day chores.  Sometimes I am amazed how much I can get done on one task in just a short amount of time.  A personal positive habit of mine is setting a timer when I need to do a least favorite chore.  When I commit myself to even just 15 minutes of a task, like washing pots and pans, I am amazed at how much I can get done.  Plus, with a timer, you can ensure that you move a little faster than you might have otherwise.   If you are feeling REALLY ambitious, you can also try this.  http://moneysavingmom.com/2011/12/whip-your-house-into-shape-in-2-hours-plus-a-free-downloadable-checklist.html
• Realize that you don’t have to respond to everything immediately.  We live in an age where due to technology, we are always available- by phone, email, social media, etc. There can be a pressure to respond right away.  But ask yourself if you could check your email a few times less a day, wait a little longer to respond to a text, or delay returning a phone call.  Somethings may need to be taken care of quickly, but most things can wait. If you don’t occasionally set boundaries with others about how quickly you will respond to them, you may find yourself overwhelmed with other people’s expectations.  Notice if you find yourself responding to everything as if it is an emergency.
• If you so desire, pray and/or meditate.  While not everyone considers themselves a spiritual or religious person, almost anyone can benefit from the practice of meditation. While I  believe prayer or meditation to always be useful, this can be especially helpful when you have a sense of inner fuzziness, of really not being sure what you want or what is most important to you.  Both practices allow a person to get in touch with their deepest self and feel a sense of spiritual connection with the world around them.  Many people find great comfort as well as guidance through these practices.
• It’s often helpful to set yourself some goals so you can check in with yourself on occasion and see if you are truly doing what you set out to do ( I like to use the method of S.M.A.R.T. goals- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely.)
• One of the key factors in balance, to me, is remembering that we have different seasons of life. I often think back on certain periods of my life positively and with admiration and think “how did I do that?” Or, negatively, “what was I thinking?” What works for us at one point in our life isn’t always going to work in another time in our life. Major transitions that may involve a major shift in priorities are a death of a loved one, a sick child or family member, birth of a child or adopting a child, a job change, move, divorce, or many others. Part of balance may even be the acceptance that sometimes our life is going to challenge us, and that maybe sometimes things will be off balance for a bit.

If this is something you struggle with and you’d like to find more peace and balance in your life, contact Laura Novak, LCSW, CADC at X151 for an appointment.

The work and personal life balance is a common struggle for many.  As a mom of five year old twins, I have personally felt the struggle of balancing household responsibilities, caring for my family, and working all while trying to live in alignment with my personal values.  It’s important to figure out what balance works best for you, even if it looks different from somebody else’s. If your head, heart, and gut are in agreement, then you know you’ve figured it out! Here are some thoughts to help you arrive at that balance.

• Remind yourself of your priorities, and figure out what is most important to you.  Trying to do everything, all at once, will almost certainly lead to burnout.   If what you do on a daily basis does not seem in alignment with your highest priorities, it’s time for some changes.  Make sure you know what you DO want, rather than simply what you DON’T want.  For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to be stressed and yell at my kids anymore,” say “I would like to be more patient and understanding while also setting firm limits.”
• Notice obstacles that block your goals.  For example, if spending time with your children is your number one priority, what gets in your way?  You may need to say no to work or friends more often. Be prepared to make adjustments to your life if necessary, but make small changes.  Doing too much at once can lead to feeling overwhelmed and quitting. Say “I will” instead of “I’ll try.”  Believe in your abilities to make changes that are really important to you.  Pay attention to any negative self talk and replace it with a more positive statement.
• Comparing yourself to others takes away from your own happiness. Comparison is tricky because we compare how we feel inside, to how another appears on the outside. It also helps to remind yourself that everyone has their own unique gifts, hobbies, personality traits, etc.  That’s what keeps life interesting!
• Be fully present with whatever you are doing.  Somewhere along the way we all got the idea that multitasking is a skill to be admired. However research shows this really is not as helpful as we would like to think.   What is more effective is to be engaged with whatever you are doing, and not be distracted by other thoughts or activity.   A zen proverb that states this beautifully:  “when walking, walk. When eating, eat.”
• By remembering the importance of doing one thing at a time, you can keep yourself from being on autopilot and rushing around. With practice, we can train our brain to focus on what we are doing.  There are numerous benefits from truly living in the moment.  When we don’t, we miss out on connections with our loved ones, opportunities to do our best work, and a feeling of inner peace.  If you find that you continually struggle with being in the present moment, try this simple grounding exercise to reorient yourself to the here and now.  Sit still for a moment and name three things you see, three things you hear, three things you smell and three things you feel.  This can help you from getting lost in your anxious thoughts.
• Remember that finding balance is a process and sometimes our priorities change. Be open to what your life is telling you. Next week stay tuned for some more thoughts on this important topic!

For any questions or comments regarding this article, or to make an appointment, you can contact Laura Novak, LCSW, CADC at x151, or email me at lauranovaklcsw@gmail.com.

A common complaint among most of my clients is the inability to get quality sleep. Inadequate sleep can contribute to depression, anxiety, irritability, and concentration, among others issues. I think we can all relate to rushing through our day and going to bed simply because we cannot stay awake any longer. Many believe they need a good night’s rest, but many don’t prioritize getting a good night’s rest. Accept that you deserve a good night’s rest, that your day is worth clarity and intention. Like all changes that last, it will take commitment, time, and determination to receive the results you want.

Consider making these simple changes to your nightly routine:

Establish a bedtime routine

It is common for children to have a set bedtime routine. At the same time each evening, put toys away, hop in a warm bath, wiggle into comfortable pajamas, brush teeth, read a book, and sing a song. These habits create a signal to the brain that it is almost time to sleep. We often lose this routine as we get older, instead rushing around before falling asleep on the couch or while reading our phones in bed.

Your bedtime routine might include: a quick pick-up of clutter to minimize stress, setting things out for work the next morning; a warm shower or bath; changing into comfortable pajamas; using relaxing, scented lotion; restorative yoga poses; deep meditative breathing; dwelling on what you’re thankful for; or replaying happy moments of the day.

Create a calming bedroom space

Where we retreat at the end of the day should be peaceful and comfortable, aiding in helping us wind down for a good night’s rest. Qualities of a calming space may include: clean sheets, dirty clothes off the floor, a soothing lamp next to the bed, comfortable temperature and soft linens. Determine if you have an appropriate pillow and mattress to suit your needs. Consider using a fan, white noise machine, or dark curtains to eliminate excess noise and light.

Give yourself permission to put down electronics

Screen time – cell phone, computer, television, tablets – too close to bedtime stimulates the brain, making it more difficult to fall asleep. Put your electronics on silent and somewhere you can’t reach. The vibration and bright light of a text or notification not only disturbs sleep but is tempting to check in the middle of the night. For most of us, the worries of the day can be put aside until tomorrow. At night our brains can not think as clearly resulting in exacerbated worries and illogical thinking. Acknowledge that you are not at your best in the evening to tackle life’s issues.

For support and guidance in making changes to your sleep habits, contact Christine Taylor, LCPC at (847) 336-5621 x123. Please consult your doctor before starting or stopping any sleep aid or if you are concerned about your sleep habits.

Check out the following online resources for more information:

The National Sleep Foundation – https://sleepfoundation.org/

American Sleep Association – https://www.sleepassociation.org/

American Academy of Sleep Medicine – http://www.sleepeducation.org/

With October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I thought a good follow-up to my last blog – “The Basis for Abusive Relationships: Control” – would be to write about what you can do if you know someone in such a relationship. Here are seven tips that can help.

1. Open up the conversation.

It is threatening to an abuser’s power and control for someone to be aware of the abuse, so victims/survivors may not come to you first to share what is happening in the relationship.  In fact, they most likely will be hiding the control/abuse; that means you approaching the subject first.  Focus on your concern for their safety, how much you care about them, and give specific examples of why you are concerned.

2. Listen openly and nonjudgmentally.  If they open up about the abuse, BELIEVE it.

Do not underestimate the power of simply being there and listening to the story.  You may be the first person they told.  If you are, it is even more important to believe what is said.  Often the response survivors/victims get from the first person they tell will shape what they will do moving forward.  If they are not believed, that may be the last person they tell.  In addition, leave out blame, such as, “did you do something to provoke him/her?” or questions around why they would stay with someone who is controlling/abusive.  This will be a quick way to shut the conversation down.

3. Go over options and support available.

Especially if someone is ready to leave a relationship, developing a safety plan is essential: http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=13422&state_code=PG

The most dangerous time for a victim/survivor is when s/he leaves or soon after; this is because the abuser is losing all the control, and sometimes will do anything to get it back.  It is great to be a support, but ideally a victim/survivor should have additional support from a local domestic violence agency.  In Lake County, that agency is A Safe Place: http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org

In addition, therapy is an important part of any trauma survivor’s recovery; here at Gurnee Counseling Center, we have therapists who specialize in helping trauma survivors to heal.

4. Respect their choices.

Regardless of what you think, it is the victim’s/survivor’s life and relationship.  S/he has the choices to make.  There may be very good reasons for staying in the relationship.  On average, it takes a victim/survivor 7 times to fully leave a controlling/abusive relationship.  Here is why: http://www.wou.edu/abbyshouse/files/2015/02/Why-People-Stay-in-Abusive-Relationships.pdf

5. Do not try to talk, confront, or reason with the abuser on your own.

Doing so is threatening the abuser’s power and control in the relationship, and it is unpredictable what will happen.  Even if you know the person, you do not know him/her in the privacy of that relationship.

6. Be patient and stay in touch, no matter what.

As hard as it may be to stay in his/her life, you may be the victim’s/survivor’s only lifeline.  Let him/her know you will always be there and help prevent any further isolation.  You can still make it apparent that you do not support the relationship, specifically how the abuser is treating the person you care about.

In healing there is hope. If you or someone you know may be in abusive relationship, please feel free to call me, Jamie Edwards, at (847) 336-5621 ext.128.

When discussing relationships, I find that people are very cautious about using the word abuse. However, when I replace the word with controlling, all of a sudden discussion flows freely. When we uncover the base of an abusive relationship, we find that one partner has almost all the control and the other partner has very little. Below is the power and control wheel, which is often used to look more closely at abusive relationships.

In looking at the power and control wheel, it’s important to note that typically abusers will start with the tactics inside the wheel – as these are more subtle – and then move to the outside of the wheel (physical and sexual abuse) if needed. This means that abusive relationships increase with frequency and severity over time. In fact, in the beginning of the relationship, there is often no abuse present.

That is because if there was, the other person would not stay in the relationship. Intimacy and trust need to develop, and then the abuser can use what he/she knows of their partner’s weaknesses to start the abuse. Victims/survivors often talk to me about their partner being wonderful when the relationship started, and it is very confusing how this person could have changed so quickly. Therefore they may not want the relationship to end, but just want their partner to go back to how s/he was at the beginning of the relationship, without realizing this is part of the pattern.

When I show victims and survivors the power and control wheel, they are often surprised how much the it describes their partner, or maybe a relationship in their family of origin. That is because this behavior does not come out of the blue, it is learned somewhere along the way. As much as they may not appear this way, abusers are very insecure and they have learned that this is the only way they can have and keep a relationship. So if abuse is a learned behavior, the next logical question may be can it be unlearned? The answer is a cautious yes. The abuser has to recognize the behavior and want to change, which can be difficult if this behavior has existed for some time. There are batterer intervention programs that are specifically designed to help and support abusers on their path to change; in addition, individual therapy can be helpful for both the abuser and victim/survivor.

In healing there is hope. If you or someone you know may be in abusive relationship, please feel free to call me, Jamie Edwards, at (847) 336-5621 ext.128.

The beginning of a new school year is always exciting. But while the idea of shopping for school supplies and a first day outfit are fun for many children, some struggle with starting a new year. As the first day approaches, some children become can become anxious or moody.  As a school social worker for the past 8 years, I too have a tough time getting back into a routine! While I absolutely love my job, I’ve also experienced the “back to school blues.”  Many teachers would agree with me that even as an adult it can be stressful thinking about setting that alarm the night before the first day. Below are some tips for making the transition back to school easier.

Ease Worries

Talk about school early on and don’t hesitate to ask your child what their fears are–many of them you may be able to easily clear up.  Normalize their worries by letting them know that lots of kids get nervous about going back to school. Take advantage of transition camps or open house days for students to visit prior to the start of the year. I often have parents contact me to plan a time for their student to visit the school prior to the first day.  This can ease some of their worries about the unfamiliarity of a new building or classroom. Share any anxieties your child has early on with their teachers.  Knowing what insecurities your child is having can help teachers know in what situations they may need some extra support.

Make Adjustments Early

Children of all ages benefit from preparing to return to school a couple weeks beforehand.  Get your child (and yourself!) back on a schedule by adjusting wake up and bedtimes and developing daily routines.  Organize a space in the house where homework is be expected to be done.  These are just a couple ways to get your child and their environment ready to start the year in a productive way.

Set Expectations

Establishing rules before the start of the school year will be helpful.  What kind of grades do you expect your child to maintain?  How much time should be spent on homework versus electronic devices? How many hours are they allowed to work if they have a part time job?  Rules regarding curfews, part time jobs, electronics, academic expectations, and household chores should all be understood before the start of the school year.

Some children’s back to school blues go beyond the normal worrying.  If your child begins to withdraw, their moods are fluctuating or they have physical complaints such as headaches or stomachaches, you may want to contact your school’s social worker or guidance counselor.  The staff at Gurnee Counseling can also help with any concerns you have.  Contact us at (847) 336-5621 for more information.

Confidence can be a struggle for people of all ages.  Everyone has lacked confidence at some point in their life, whether during childhood, adolescence or adulthood.  Throughout my own childhood and adolescence, I remember hesitating to raise my hand in class for fear of giving the wrong answer and having everyone laugh at me.  I was always the shy girl in class.  For me, confidence came as a young adult when I realized I could be a role model to others.  Being a mentor to children and teenagers has shaped me into the confident adult I am today.

For children in particular, confidence is often shaped by their experiences and the world around them.  Poor self-confidence can negatively impact a child’s performance in school, friendships, and family relationships.  Children with low self-esteem may deal with feelings of depression or anxiety in more severe cases.  Helping your child develop confidence is essential, as it does not come naturally to all children.  The following tips can help in raising a confident child:

1. Encourage Independence

Teaching your child at an early age to be independent is important.  Even very young children need to learn self sufficiency through tasks such as dressing themselves or helping with household chores.  Mastering these types of skills will give your child a feeling of accomplishment and promote self-sufficiency.  When mistakes are made, push them to try again. As children get older, encourage them to use their independence in public situations as well.  Having them order for themselves at a restaurant is just one example of how to work on confidence in social situations.

2. Get Your Child Involved

Involving your child in sports or extracurricular activities is a great way to build confidence and enhance their social skills.  Becoming skilled in a particular sport or activity is an easy way to boost your child’s confidence. Losing can be tough though, so it’s important to talk to your child about being a good sport and emphasize that having fun does not always mean winning the game. Strengthen your child’s self-esteem by praising their efforts and pointing out what they did well.

3. Teach Assertiveness

The last thing parents want is to have their child be considered either the bully or the child that other kids take advantage of or tease.  Help your child find the middle ground by teaching them to be assertive.  Assertiveness is a skill that even adults struggle with.  Encourage them to speak up when they feel they are not being heard or treated unfairly.  Teach them to begin sentences with “I feel” rather than starting off by blaming the other person.  Standing up for what they believe in can be a great way to build confidence.

Confidence does not just come from praising your child, and offering words of encouragement.  It comes from mastering new skills, learning from mistakes, and getting used to not having you by their side at all times.  Encouraging independence, getting your child involved, and teaching them to be assertive are just a few suggestions on how to raise a confident child.

If you are concerned your child may be struggling with their own confidence, the staff at Gurnee Counseling Center can help.  Please contact us at 847-336-5621 for further information.

A fun and practical book I like to use with couples is The Five Love Languages, written by Dr. Gary Chapman.  The book describes five unique ways in which people give and want to receive love in a partnership. The languages include Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Acts of Service. The test can be taken online, free, here:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com

I like how he explains that love can be shown in so many ways.  We may know how we want to be loved, and so often we show love in the way we would like to receive it.  Maybe you are a woman, and words of affirmation are important to you.  You think your wife would love a beautiful, five page, heart-felt, deep and insightful love letter that poured out of your soul.   But then you find out she might just as much love for you to take out the trash more, and pick up the kids from school on occasion.  So, you can still write your note if you choose, but you can do it with the awareness that she might want something different, too.  This is where we can feel unappreciated or not understood.  You and your spouse may love each other deeply, and be on a totally different page with how you show it.  His love language is words of affirmation, and maybe her’s is Acts of service.

Another example.  Maybe your wife is working 50+ hours a week, maybe even for years, and she tries to make this up to you through frequent presents.    If your love language is gifts (and you enjoy a lot of independence)  this may work out quite well.  If you like a lot of quality time together with your partner,  it might not.  But, if she makes an effort to have a greater work/life balance, or goes on vacation with you, or maybe even a date night with dinner and a movie, that might mean something more to you.

When possible, think of how to show your partner love in a way that is meaningful to him or her. Does that mean that we can’t have appreciation for something our partner does for us, even if it’s not in our language?  No.  Maybe you can learn to appreciate a heart-felt love letter, or a thoughtful gift.  The lesson to learn through the five love language is that in a partnership, it’s helpful  to be more aware of how to love each other.

Don’t assume that your partner knows your love language, and don’t be so sure that you know theirs. The test works best if both people take it and discuss afterwards.  You may not be fully aware of how you like to receive love, and how your partner likes to receive love.   This could be a fun way to connect with and understand your partner more.  More information about the different styles of love languages is available on the website, or in the book.

To figure out how you can apply your new knowledge of love languages to your life and your relationships, contact Laura Novak, LCSW, CADC at x151.

I’ve never had a client ask, “How can I get my child to come into my bed more at night?”  Every family has their own routines and strategies for getting little ones to bed.  And if your’s is working for your family then enjoy.  But many families are struggling with bed time routines, getting their kids to fall asleep, and one of the most challenging situations of all- getting their little ones to STAY IN THEIR OWN BEDS!

Sleep is the foundation for all of us to be at our best.  Without a good sleep routine and plenty of sleep under our belt the day can be daunting to children and adults alike.  Research show sleep is essential for brain development and can impact children’s ability to focus, cope with problems, and maybe even impact IQ (WEB MD Archives, http://www.webmd.com/children/features/good-sound-sleep-for-children) Dr. Ronald E. Dahl states in the National Center for Biotechnology Information online article Sleep And The Developing Brain,  “Broadly speaking, it might be argued that the most fundamental requirements for healthy growth and development in young children include a) loving support and protection by parents/caretakers, b) adequate nutrition, and c) adequate sleep.” (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1978403/)

While having difficulty getting your kids to sleep or to sleep in their own beds can be an exhausting and frustrating situation, you are not alone.  And the best news…you don’t have to reinvent the wheel!  Let those families that have gone before you lay the groundwork for a new family structure that will help you all have much sweeter dreams.

1. Decide what you can and CAN NOT live with. This is where you should be really honest with yourself about what you will or will not do. What your partner may or may not really want. What interventions and changes you will or will not really do. If it won’t work for you or you are unwilling to do it then that is not the strategy to start with.
2.  Set a goal. For example: Sleep in own bed. Earlier bed time. Less arguing during our routine.
3. Think about the benefits of achieving this goal: less stress for the family, more sleep, healthier boundaries, more time alone with your partner, etc.
4. Do your research. The internet can be a scary place full of misinformation. But it can also be full of valuable information to push you towards your goals. And don’t forget local moms groups, social media supports, and community counselors. Use the resources available to you!
5. Don’t lose your humor, temper, or determination. Keep going- change takes time! Check out the books and blogs below for some hilarious (*explicit language warning!) perspective and tips!

If you want to talk about changing your kids bedtime and sleep habits give Leigh Ann Huffman, LCSW, at Gurnee Counseling Center a call at 847-336-5621, Ext 137.

Check out these resources for support, knowledge and a good laugh!

FOR KIDS AND PARENTS:

http://www.amazon.com/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp/0743201639/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433274397&sr=8-1&keywords=ferber

FOR PARENTS:

http://www.amazon.com/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp/0743201639/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433276303&sr=8-1&keywords=ferber

http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433276243&sr=8-1&keywords=sleep+weisbluth

http://www.amazon.com/Take-Charge-Your-Childs-Sleep/dp/156924362X

http://www.amazon.com/No-Cry-Sleep-Solution-Gentle-Through/dp/0071381392/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1433274610&sr=8-11&keywords=sleep+books

FOR YOUR FUNNY BONE:

http://www.yourmodernfamily.com/put-kids-bed-7/

http://www.scarymommy.com/im-a-control-freak-about-my-kids-sleep/

http://www.scarymommy.com/i-hate-putting-my-kids-to-bed/

http://momastery.com/blog/2012/05/22/whack-a-mole/